One day while riding the A, I met this extremely attractive woman and we decided to exchange numbers. After a couple of weeks of talking on the phone, I realized that I was really beginning to like her. Aside from the fact that for some reason she never seemed to answer her phone after 7pm; I’d say she was pretty much everything I was looking for in a woman. I figured hey, so what if she goes to sleep way earlier than most people I know. Hell, my grandmother goes to bed every single night right after the five o’clock news: and that doesn’t make her a horrible person. Personally, I kind of liked the fact that she really valued her rest. Not to mention, I figured if we ever started dating; I’d save a fortune on matinee movie tickets. The last time a date insisted on going to a movie after 6pm, the tickets were $13 dollars a piece. Plus she had the nerve to ask me for popcorn and snacks on top of that. I was actually offended. That’s another $30 bucks. I replied, “Who the hell do I look like…Jay Z?”
Last Wednesday, she and I finally decided to go on our first date. To my surprise, instead of going out to some expensive restaurant and a movie; she actually invited me over to her place for dinner. Talk about ecstatic. Under my calculations, she had already just saved me roughly $80 bucks on our first date alone. Now in my book, that’s what you call a real keeper. To me, nothing on earth is sexier than a woman who’s fiscally responsible. Walking up to her building, I thought “Shoot, if things keep going this good; I could actually see myself marrying this girl. And plus, now that the library near my mom finally has a computer; we might even be able to scratch the whole ceremony and just do the entire wedding via Skype? Wouldn’t that be cost effective?” Ringing the buzzer to her building, I pondered “I wonder if instead of a wedding gown, she’d be willing to go more business casual? I get 30% off everything at The Work Barn; not to mention I’m sure a lot of women would love getting married in nice pant suit.”
When she opened the door, she was even more beautiful than I remembered on the train. However it could’ve had something to do with the fact that she was wearing nothing but a teddy. My first impression was, “Wow, she really does go to bed early.” I had assumed we would sit down for a nice meal, but before I knew it within minutes, we were literally upstairs in her bedroom going at it. This was without a doubt the easiest date I ever had. We had already pretty much made it to 3rd base; and the only money I had to spend money on was pack of Dentine and an across town bus transfer. I thought, “Damn…God is good!” Then just as things were really starting to get hot and heavy, she excused herself to the restroom in order to go “prepare”. And every guy knows what that means. I thought, “OMG, first the $80 bucks and now this. This night just keeps getting better and better!”
The second she left the room, I quickly ripped off all my clothes. I even put on my condom in advance so I wouldn’t have to fuss with it later on in the moment. I learned from experience that no matter how many times you explain that they all come from the same factory; some women get a little put off the second they see a Walmart brand condom. All of a sudden her phone began to ring. After several rings, to my surprise her answering machine picked up. Suddenly, on the other end of the line I heard a man’s voice screaming “Sheila! Answer this damn phone! I know you in there with some other nigga! I’m parked out front and I can see his shadow moving around!” Startled, I thought “Jesus Christ…what the f*ck?” I darted over to the window and looked out; and sure enough, parked directly in front of her building was a white minivan with the lights on. I thought “Oh no!! This sh*t is really happening!” Suddenly, he startled me by screaming through the machine “Nigga I see you looking out the window! I’m gone kill yo’ ass…you hear me? I’m gone kill both of yawl mutha f*ckas!” Frighted, I tripped backwards over the night stand trying to jump out of the window.
Next I began totally freaking out. I’ve seen enough episodes of Snapped to know that this kind of thing never ends pretty. Panicked out of my mind I thought, “Man, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend! No wonder she never answers after seven! And now he’s s about to come up here and blow my head off! This was technically not a good date any more!” Completely frantic by this point, I quickly began throwing on clothes. I accidentally knocked two pictures off the wall, just trying to get my leg back in my stupid underwear. Clothes always seem smaller when your in a rush; and I only had seconds to get the hell out of there, so this was no time to be neat. Hearing all the commotion, suddenly Sheila came running into the room and yelled “What in the world is going on? And why are you stretching out my good panties?” Almost completely out of breath from hyperventilating, I shouted “There’s no time to explain! The jig is up! Your boyfriend knows and he’s parked out front! He said he’s about to come up here and kill us both!” I then yelled “Save yourself!” as I headed for the back fire escape with my pants and shoes still in my hand.
In the midst of all of the madness, I realized that for some reason she seemed to still be cool as a cucumber. Baffled, I thought “Oh great! The poor thing is in shock. Now I’m gonna have to try to lift her big ass down the damn fire escape too!” This was not looking good. Again she yelled “Wait…stop! It’s okay; you don’t have to go anywhere.” Still in a frenzy, I snapped “You stupid bitch didn’t you hear me? He’s on his way up here to kill us both!” Still relaxed and now slightly chuckling she replied “Calm down. You’re perfectly safe. He can’t come up here. He’s in a wheel chair.” Now more confused than ever, I replied “What do you mean? He’s down there right now, I saw him!” She finally explained “He’s paralyzed from the waist down. That’s actually a special van he has. He can drive it all across town, but he can’t get out unless I go carry him out!” She then showed me a picture that they took together the year before in Hawaii; and just like she said, he was indeed in a wheel chair. She then added “See relax….he can blow and circle the block all he wants, but he can’t get out that van unless I go get him.”
I sat down on the bed in order to catch my breath. Seconds later she began massaging my shoulders and chest very sensually. She was obviously pretty set on continue what we had started. I was still a little frazzled, but I thought “Hell, there’s no use in wasting a good condom. That’s like throwing $1.23 right down the drain.” With that said, we continued doing the do. Although it was a bit difficult to get into with her boyfriend constantly honking his horn, and yelling through the machine “Bitch…I said come out here and get me!” and “I can see yawl shadows up there! Whose foot was that??”
By the time I finally left her apartment that morning; her poor boyfriend was out there sound asleep in his little special seat inside the van. I felt just awful too. Standing there looking through the window at him sleeping so peacefully, I suddenly realized “Wait….why am I feeling so sorry for this guy? After all, I’m the one that had to back to paying for full fare movie tickets now. Standing beside the van, I whispered softly “I may have won the battle last night. But you sir have won the war. Touché my friend…touché.”